FJM'ing Jemele Hill

I'm not a fan of Jemele Hill.  At all.  She's a loves the Race Card and shock writing and when she's not doing that, she is trying to be as clever as Rick Reilly used to be and failing as much as Rick Reilly does currently.  So when I read her latest turd from South Africa, I had to give it the "Fire Joe Morgan" treatment.  Here we go.

 

PORT ELIZABETH, South Africa -- There has been so much petulancy, ego and spoiled behavior at the World Cup that it makes Brett Favre's annual antics look downright magnanimous.

Futbol, meet football.  Americanized!

Diva must be in the water, and drama is certainly permeating the air in South Africa.

And dissension is infecting all the hookers!  Also where can I buy this "Diva" to put in my water?  It sounds tasty!

France staged a protest against its own coach. And the English players and their head man, Fabio Capello, appear to have a deeper split than Jesse James and Sandra Bullock.

There's nothing like bringing a pop culture reference from 6 months ago into the fold.  That takes Rick Reilly's brand of effort. 

No matter how much criticism the U.S. team received, the players maintained their professionalism. Contrast that to France's soccer team, which I've nicknamed The Bold, The Beautiful and The Disappointing. Although, I'm not sure that's quite as clever as the Guardian blogger who called France, "Le Sulk."

Le Sulk?  Doesn't Jay Cutler have that nickname trademarked?  Also, Jemele, you write for a living.  Your nickname isn't anywhere near as clever as a blogger's.  Bested by a Parents' Basement Dweller.  That's sad.

"We are taking note of the indignation of the French people and ... calling for dignity and responsibility," Sarkozy told a French television station. By that logic, Dan Snyder and Mike Shanahan should put in a call to President Barack Obama to help them deal with Albert Haynesworth. Quick, somebody revive the Warren Commission!

Because the Redskins are the national team of America?  I thought it was the Cowboys.  Or Steelers.  Or Patriots.  Or Not the Redskins.  Also:

/Wiki's "Warren Commission"

Yeah, that reference doesn't work, either.

It's not just France that's getting cheeky. After two consecutive draws and scoring just one goal in 180 minutes of play, England's team looks like it's in need of Ron Artest's therapist.

Because they're going to bust into the crowd and start swinging?  Actually, scratch that, it might happen.

The English players called a team meeting after a 0-0 tie against underdog Algeria, when they were supposed to air their grievances, but Capello had other ideas. Capello reportedly silenced the players ... at their own meeting. He barred them from giving their opinions on what's wrong with the team.

I wonder if there's a good Football analogy for this sentence about Futbol.

Makes Bill Belichick look positively touchy-feely.

THERE it is.

After being booed unmercifully following the Algeria match, England's Wayne Rooney, who might be putting in the most disappointing performance of any major star at the World Cup, looked into the cameras and sarcastically told England's fans, "It's nice to get booed by your own fans. Very loyal." Or words to that effect.

Or words to that effect.  Was he speaking Turkish?  Did his brogue cover up the actual words?  Was it actually The Queen Mum talking? 

Well-paid sports figures who have come up small on the big stage? Millionaires who complain when they don't receive unconditional love after not meeting expectations? We're familiar with that, but the practice is far from being as American as apple pie.

Professor Wuhl agrees!

But as this World Cup has shown, there's no such thing as the "ugly American." Just ugly people.

Ever been to Jersey?  PLENTY of "ugly Americans" there.